Foreplay: a practical guide for men

Couples in one study said, on average, that they would like more foreplay than they actually had. This guide covers what foreplay means, what studies say about how long it lasts and how long people want it to, why talking matters and how consent works, with relaxed, practical points along the way.

What is foreplay?

Foreplay is the sexual activity, such as kissing and touching, that people do before they have sex. That's the Cambridge Dictionary's definition. The NHS uses the word too: its advice on vaginal dryness suggests trying different types of foreplay to find what makes you feel more aroused during sex.

How long should foreplay last?

We found no NHS or medical guidance that sets a time for foreplay, but couples in one study wanted more of it than they had. The study asked 152 heterosexual couples how long their foreplay and intercourse actually lasted, and how long they would ideally like them to last (Miller and Byers, Journal of Sex Research, 2004). For men and women alike, the ideal length of foreplay was longer than the actual length, and men's ideal length didn't differ from women's.

The study also found misperceptions. Both sexes assumed that men wanted less foreplay than the men in the study said they did, and the women, but not the men, underestimated how much their partners wanted. People's guesses about how long their partner wanted foreplay and intercourse to last were more strongly related to their own stereotypes than to what the partner said they wanted.

The couples reported their own times, and the study is more than 20 years old, so treat it as a starting point for a conversation with your partner. A 2015 review in Fertility and Sterility adds a physical detail: a short, fast build-up of sexual stimulation towards orgasm is associated with less intense orgasms than a slow build-up.

Why does foreplay matter?

For a partner with a vagina, arousal can affect comfort. The NHS lists not being aroused during sex as one cause of vaginal dryness, which can bring pain or discomfort during sex, and suggests trying different types of foreplay to find what makes you feel more aroused.

Research on the orgasm gap, the difference between heterosexual men and women in how often they orgasm during sex, is relevant too. In a survey of 52,588 US adults, 95% of heterosexual men said they usually or always orgasmed when sexually intimate, compared with 65% of heterosexual women (Frederick and colleagues, Archives of Sexual Behavior, 2018). Women were more likely to orgasm if their last sexual encounter included deep kissing and other kinds of touching as well as intercourse. Women who orgasmed more often were also more likely to have had longer sex the last time, to ask for what they want in bed and to express love during sex.

Satisfaction follows a similar pattern. A 2006 online survey of 38,747 US adults who had been with their partner for at least three years found sexual satisfaction was higher among people who brought more mood setting, variety and sexual communication into their sex lives (Frederick and colleagues, Journal of Sex Research, 2017). Both surveys relied on what people reported about themselves, in one country, and they show associations; they can't prove cause and effect.

How to do foreplay: practical points from the research

1. Start before the bedroom. Mood setting was one of the habits linked with satisfaction in the 2017 study, and in the 2018 study, women who orgasmed more often were more likely to call or message to tease about sex.
2. Ask what your partner likes, and say what you like. Asking for what they wanted in bed was linked with more frequent orgasm for women in the 2018 study.
3. Slow down. Couples in the 2004 study wanted longer foreplay than they had, and a slow build-up is associated with more intense orgasms than a fast one.
4. Kiss. Deep kissing was one of the things linked with women reaching orgasm in the 2018 study.
5. Try something new now and then. Variety was linked with satisfaction in the 2017 study.
6. Say something kind. Praising a partner for something they did in bed, and expressing love during sex, were both more common among women who orgasmed more often.
7. Keep checking in. The NHS says consent can be withdrawn at any time, and a yes in the past is not consent now (more on consent below).

Why does talking about sex matter so much?

A 2019 analysis that pooled 48 studies found couples' sexual communication was linked with desire, arousal, orgasm and erectile function, and most strongly with overall sexual function (Mallory and colleagues, Journal of Sex Research). The correlations ranged from 0.12 to 0.35, where 1 would be a perfect match, and studies like these can't show which comes first. In Britain, the national sex survey Natsal-3 found that people who couldn't talk easily about sex with a partner were more likely to report low sexual function.

The NHS makes a similar point for people seeking treatment for a problem with their sex life: it usually recommends involving your partner as much as possible, and says that communicating your concerns can often go a long way to helping to resolve them.

How does consent work during foreplay?

Under the Sexual Offences Act 2003, which covers England and Wales, a person consents if they agree by choice and have the freedom and capacity to make that choice (section 74). The NHS puts it simply: consent means saying "yes" to what happened. It also says:

• being intoxicated, not being asked, saying nothing, or feeling like you have to say yes is not consent
• having said yes in the past is not consent, and neither is being in a relationship or married to someone
• consent can be withdrawn at any time

The NHS defines sexual assault as any sexual act that a person did not consent to or is forced into against their will, and its examples include groping and forced kissing, so foreplay is no exception. Checking in can be as simple as asking "Is this OK?" or "Shall we keep going?"

If you have been sexually assaulted, the NHS says it was not your fault. It lists help from a sexual assault referral centre (SARC), your GP, a sexual health clinic, NHS 111 and the police, and says to dial 999 in an emergency.

Sex tips for men: what does the research support?

• Don't assume you know what your partner wants. In the 2004 study, people's guesses about how long their partner wanted foreplay and intercourse to last were more strongly related to their own stereotypes than to what the partner said they wanted.
• Expect an erection to come and go sometimes. The NHS says most men occasionally fail to get or keep an erection, usually because of stress, tiredness or drinking too much alcohol, and that it's nothing to worry about. If nerves play a part, see sexual performance anxiety in men.
• Take the pressure off timing. The NHS lists anxiety about sexual performance among the common psychological causes of premature ejaculation. If you're worried about coming too soon, how to last longer in bed sets out the evidence, and how long does sex last? gives the figures from research.
• Look after the basics. The NHS lists relationship problems, stress, anxiety, depression and drinking too much alcohol among the main causes of a low sex drive.

Can you catch an STI from foreplay?

Yes, it's possible. The NHS says STIs can be passed on during sex or through sexual contact, and many have no symptoms, so you can have one without knowing. The only way to know for sure is to get tested. Go to a sexual health clinic if you think you may have an STI, if a partner has symptoms of one, or if you're having sex with new partners. You don't usually need a GP referral.

When to get help

• See a GP or go to a sexual health clinic if erection problems keep happening: the NHS says it might be a sign of a health condition that can be treated. Our guide to erectile dysfunction explains more.
• See a GP if you're worried about a low sex drive. For relationship problems, the NHS lists relationship counselling as a possible treatment.
• If sex is uncomfortable for a partner because of vaginal dryness, the NHS advises seeing a GP if it has lasted a few weeks and self-help isn't working, or if there's bleeding after sex.
• In sex therapy you can discuss emotional or psychological issues related to your sexuality and relationship, the NHS says. Some NHS areas provide it, though availability varies widely. The NHS points to the College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (COSRT) for finding a private sex therapist, and says Relate also offers sex therapy at a number of its centres (you pay for each session).

More plain answers are in men's sex questions, answered, including the male orgasm explained.